Father's Day 2013

I'm usually not so openly emotional. But it's been a rough week, alcohol and chocolate aren't enough, and I need to release some emotions.

This is for all those who are without their dad today. Whether it is because of distance or disagreement, divorce or death, he is not with you for a reason, and I get it.

This is my first father's day without my Dad. It hasn't been an easy day and it's only lunchtime... Ok, let's be honest, it's been a shitty day and a shitty week. I have a sneaky suspicion next week won't be great either. 

I miss him. I really do. He isn't there anymore. And I took it for granted when he was. Even when I knew we didn't have him for much longer, I still took each day for granted. I didn't call as much as I should have. I didn't ask for the answers to all the questions tumbling around in my brain, even though he always knew the answer to everything. I didn't say "I love you" enough.

This isn't survivor's guilt or some other form of that. It is grief. It is knowing that even though I'm doing exactly what you always knew I would be best at, it breaks my heart that you don't get to see me do it.

This isn't a sympathy ploy either. I have been so blessed by my dad and by the other father figures in my life. If you ask me, I have had more than my fair share of amazing father figures. And they have all been wonderful! From the dad's of friends who always watched out for me and loved me as a daughter, the church leaders who were spiritual fathers, to the Coffee Guys who have been outstanding substitutes. My cup overflows with fatherly love and support. 

Nonetheless, today is a bittersweet day.

I think about Father's Days of the future and helping the father of my future children to celebrate but all the while knowing my kids will never know you. And you were so great with kids. Your whole being lit up when they were around. And I wish my kids would have been able to meet you.

So friends, as you celebrate this day with your dad, take time to remember those of us who are without our dads today and may be hurting a little more than usual. Remember how precious this time with your dad is, and don't take for granted these special moments. Life is fleeting.

Also, remember to honor the people who are stand-in dads: the step-dads, single moms, grandfathers, and all around good people who step up to the plate when a father figure is needed. They are stronger than any of us know. Being a dad is so much more than donating half of the DNA.

A New Day Dawns

The sky is always darkest before the dawn

When a "code blue" is called in the hospital it means that a patient is not breathing and that every doctor and nurse goes running to help that patient. As a newly minted doctor, when our second code blue was called last night I knew I was not going to be very helpful. But as I observed my colleagues attempt to save the patient's life, my focus and heart were drawn to the distraught parents weeping in the corner of the room.

I maneuvered toward them as best I could in the crowded room. They clung to each other as they wept over their child. I put my arms around the mother to help her stand strong for her child. I explained as best I could every detail to the father as the team struggled to save his baby. And I mustered all my strength to keep from weeping with them. For though I can't fathom the pain of losing a child, I too am losing a family member to cancer.

My father was diagnosed with hepatocellular carcinoma last January. We have known for a while this was a possibility, but the news still stung. I won't lie, it took me 6 months of therapy to fully grasp all my emotions. And lately, as his prognosis has gotten shorter and his options fewer and his quality of life poorer, I find that I am distancing myself from the situation.

When I was home for Thanksgiving, my dad had a really bad day, which included some incontinence. Without thinking, I put him in the shower and began to clean. I didn't realize I had completely gone into "work-mode" and shut off all emotional ties. How terrible! It wasn't until later that I realized what I had done and how cold that must have seemed to him.

My dad was admitted to the hospital again yesterday for critical blood counts. And as I stood next to that family I wondered who would be standing next to my family when we were in the same situation, something not too far down the road. And then I thought about the families who lost loved ones in Newtown, CT, last week. Who was there with them? Who was with each life before it was taken too early?

I left the hospital with a heavy heart and I am writing this with a heavier one. Though I am on my way to see my family, I know this could be the last time I see my dad alive or as well as he is. And I remind myself we do not know the hour or the day, we can only enjoy the now.

I want to leave you with that. Enjoy the now. Don't waste it. Don't spend it fighting. Don't part without I love you's. Embrace it! Live in it! Be it!

Enjoy the now.