Monday, August 20, 2012

In the words of Martha Washington....

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not really living; like I'm missing out on life; like I took a wrong turn somewhere...

I don't know how it happened. How I got here. How I seemingly fell asleep for so long in my own life.

This isn't the first time I've tried to write on this topic. I have a feeling it won't be the last either. It's not easy for me to write, I hate admitting my own insecurities. Nonetheless, I know I will have to confront it eventually.

I have spent the last 10 years of my life working toward this place I am now; more specifically I have spent the most recent 4 years becoming a doctor. During all of that work and adventure and learning it seems time has flown by and I forgot to grow up.

I still feel like I'm 18! And all my friends have grown up without me. Do you remember that movie "13 Going On 30"? You know, the one with Jennifer Garner where she suddenly wakes up 17 years later and she hasn't really lived her life yet. I feel like during the time I spent in college, traveling, applying to and surviving medical school everything kept going and I didn't change one bit.

I love my job! Don't think I don't. I am so grateful to wake up each morning and head off to the hospital to do what I love for people who truly need my help. But....

I am quickly on my way to 30 and I'm still single. And, let's be honest, I have very few prospects at this point... And now I have so few single friends, I am becoming a professional 3rd wheel!

Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my friends and it brings me endless joy to see them happy with their significant other. I am so grateful that my friends have chosen to fall in love with and commit their to some pretty amazing people. It is really fun to spend time with my friends when I (and they) get along so well with their SO's.

And yet, I am bummed. I hate being the single one, ALWAYS the single one. Often the one to whom my friends say, "We want/wanted/would set you up with _____".... Lord knows I need the help. Nonetheless, night after night, I sit at home alone. I go to my friends' weddings alone. I send myself flowers for Valentine's Day.

Then, when I do finally come to the point of feeling almost at ease with my single status, a MILLION and one friends announce on Facebook that they're expecting. Crap! And just when I thought being single was ok...

I think of the amazing relationships and lives my friends are creating and wonder when will it happen for me? When will I find my love? Or have I already let it slip through my fingers? Have I missed out on the chance to build a family and be a mother, wife, lover? And if I have, am I ok with that?

And then, I take a deep breath and let it go.
I close that part of my heart and turn back to the task at hand.
There are children out there who need healing.
There are parents who need teaching.
There is work to be done.
I pick my head up, I pull my shoulders back, I put on my smile.
I put aside my grief.
I step back into my reality and remember why I am doing this.
I am Wonder Woman.
I am a Confident Woman.
I am a Doctor Woman.

No comments: