Scrubs didn't teach me this stuff

After a long 4 weeks in the Emergency Room, I won't lie, I learned a lot!

I will be listing a few of the hi-lights of my mandatory time in the following bullet points. If you have no desire to understand more about the inner workings of a South Detroit ER or you find my medical school ramblings tiring, tune in later this week when I shall be discussing something much more stimulating such as Dunny's or stories from Impromptu Roommate Date Night.

To those of you still in attendance, beware, the following tidbits of information might make you not want to attend your local ER. Either that or you'll be sure to charge your smart phone to take videos the next time you come to visit....

• Name Game.

There will always be someone in the ER with an odd name. Without fail, someone comes in with some bass-ackwards way of pronouncing a simple name, or their parents just strung a bunch of random vowels and consonants together. It. Is. Ridiculous! And entertaining to see who can figure out how to pronounce it first.

• Style
  
  
  
  People dress up to come into the ER like they dress up to go to Walmart. If you've never been to an ER to see some of this eye-catching style, just pop on over to People of Walmart.

You get the idea now?

• Children

There is always a parent who, regardless of age or race or economic status or number of children, will bring their child into the ER at some God-awful time.... And more often than not, they have no good reason to be in the ER. None whatsoever.

• 9-1-1
  Approximately 1/2 of all 9-1-1 calls are for things that EMS is not needed. As in, the callers should have called their Family Doctor, not 9-1-1.

• Longest. Wait. Ever.

The reason you wait so long in the ER is because you are not the only person in the ER. Either that or you're one of the people who shouldn't be there and we're making you wait because we can't handle the stupidity......

• Favorites

We don't pick favorites. Usually the patient we're spending more time with than you is actually significantly more sick than you are. And by that I mean, they're probably on the actual verge of death rather than you're perceived "I'm dying from this back pain I've had for 6 years"

• Yes, the food sucks.

Trust me, I know. I've eaten it, and worse. But while you're getting 2 hour old chicken with mashed potatoes from a bag and jello-like gravy, I'm chowing down on Graham Crackers. Yep, I get Graham Crackers and ginger ale for my lunch, dinner, and snack during my 10 hour shift. I know, you're jealous...

• Sutures

They're way more scary for the person putting in the stitches than for the person receiving the stitches. And, if you work it just right, you can make that forehead laceration look like a Harry Potter scar, though you might want to check with the patient first.

• Temperature

A fever isn't truly a fever unless you measure over 100.4 degrees Fahrenheit. Nor is it a true body temperature unless it is measured rectally. Yep, thermometer in your butt.

• Glove Up

One should wear gloves at all times in Emergency Room. And you should wear a mask. Even if you're the patient. At all times.

• Drugs

If you're looking to score something, legal and illegal, you are likely to find someone in the ER to give them to you. Although, the doctors are far less accommodating than the patients.

• Nurses

Best. People. Ever.

And they're not afraid to tell the truth to anyone. And I mean anyone!

Ok. I think that's enough for tonight. The ER is a scary place, I don't really recommend it. But ER's are staffed by some really brilliant doctors, and they have more grace than I have ever been able to muster.

Also, show some love to your local emergency personnel, especially those who drive the emergency vehicles with the sirens. If you hear a siren and see flashing lights, just pull over. They need the space to drive and they might be saving a life. Give 'em a brake! (har har)